so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
