Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
