he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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