I cannot find my penis.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize