lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
