i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
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