the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
