the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
