Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
