I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
