why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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