Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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