I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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