no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
