The maid of honor just puked.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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