Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize