Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
