I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
