the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
