Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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