I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
