I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize