omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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