I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
