how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize