my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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