walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
