i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
