I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
