last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
