I'm sorry my penis didn't work
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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