I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
