my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize