I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I understand Curling. That high.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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