I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
