before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
