remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
