You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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