Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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