so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
