Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
