Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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