Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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