I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
