he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
