Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
