I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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