I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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