i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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