I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
