I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish I only lived at night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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