I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize