Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
