No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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