I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
