Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
